Fall has Found its Cool Voice
Fall is springing into being, or at least in Arizona, it’s trying to become somewhat fallish. Danny is putting up more fences on our property. His roses are bountiful and beautiful. The growing season lasts for so long in Arizona for the abundance of awesome flowers, it’s like a gift from the God’s or something. I love it! Nothing makes me happier than the scent of flowers in the air. Lady Bug and Cubby Bear are happier in the cooler temperatures as well. Cubby is truly a “bear” and hates heat. Lady Bug endures, but she likes cool better too. Cub loves to rides in the Lady Bug golf cart. He’s never happier than when he’s riding with his head in the wind, taking in the sights and sounds around him. Lady hates any motions, but tolerates if it means she goes with us.
Go down to the Mayo the middle of October to be MRI scanned and blood sucked. My doctor will set up a chemo treatment plan for me at the time. I’m in hopes that I can get off pain medications for a few years after the chemo treatments are finished. My swollen nodes cause a lot of pressure to my joints and neck. I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on about chemo treatments for CLL, and none of the potential outcomes sound like a whole lot of fun. The possible side effects are tremendous. Yuck! I’m going into this ready though. I wasn’t ready for chemo until now, and I’m ready. My nodes are beginning to be too difficult to take. It’s like they wear you down, filling up, sore to the touch, moving around daily, and . . . just plain awful. I realize it’s the leukemia B cells that are filling up the nodes, but it’s the nodes I notice and live with on a daily basis. My leukemia manifested itself (as SLL- lymphoma) and I sometimes forget my diagnosis is actually leukemia of the bone marrow.
The other thing that wears me down is the “knowing”. Some people say they’d love to know their approximate time line and prognosis here on earth, but let me tell you, once you know it, you know it! All you can do is try and outlive it!! Maybe that’s a good thing. The trying to outlive the prognosis and the gene test, but no matter what kind of attitude you have (and I’m very uplifting and happy) it wears thin at times. I’ll give you a simple – example. I have a granddaughter that’s married now. Will I live to see a potential great-grandchild grow up and graduate from high school? No!
There are a million little things each and every day that I have to discard as “not possible” as time is of the essence for me. My long-term dreams have to be lived right now, because there may be no future time in my tomorrows. I do agree with people when they find out I have leukemia and say to me. . . “We all have to die sometime!” Yes, we do, but the secret of life is (time). I know that I’ll die of leukemia or a cold or something connected to my low immune system, and that I’m on a time line to die due to my predisposed gene markers. I also know that it’ll happen long before I’m . . . (and my friends and family are) ready to let go of me in this life. That’s a tough sentence, and one I struggle with almost daily. If I could stop time, I would. Am I depressed? NO! I will fight the fight until I can’t fight anymore, than journey on to another dimension and time line.
I can’t even imagine a world evolving, and then embracing spirituality without the desire to live and make a difference in our lives and those around us. We’re predisposed to want to live here on this planet and fulfill our destinies. It’s in our genes to survive. In our humanism and our culture to want to do better than our predecessors. It’s within our humanism to want to see our prodigy evolve into adults and beyond. Maybe it’s part of our egos. Who knows, but I am a lover of watching my offspring evolve into full pledged mature adults. It’s sooo prideful for me to observe our children and grandchildren find themselves and their worlds. If that makes me an egocentric, so be it. I believe it’s what makes us all human. To grow! To observe! To seek! To live the best we can with what we’ve been handed and supercede all expectations of what we may have been. To embrace some sort of inner spirit, and to hang onto the present until it’s time to let go of our potentials and move on.
Until Next Time,
Love, Jaye Bartlett