WHAT IS A DAD OR FATHER?
I can truthfully say I had a loving father from the ages of 1 to 6. Then something happened, and my hero of a daddy left our mother, along with their six children, and never really returned as a father/friend or anything else for that matter to any of his six children. Just disappeared one night and never came home. Nooo, he didn’t die. He left our family for another woman and moved six thousand miles away from us. My mother didn’t even know where he was for six weeks. Six weeks of torture for our family and his family. I saw him for the first time (after he left) when I was 13-years-old and he asked the room at large (when I entered my aunt’s dining room where he was sitting), “Is she one of mine?” Strange question, as I looked just like him!
He took my sister and me out of school the next day and out to lunch. He and I had grown light years apart in seven years, and I couldn’t think of anything to say to him. The lunch went badly, as all I could do was stare at him and wonder who this stranger was. When I did speak, it was to taunt him. He asked me how I was doing in school, and I responded by sneering, “Why do you care?” He asked if I had a boyfriend, and I rolled my eyes at him. Stuff like that! He left to return to Alaska a few days later, and I didn’t see him again until after I was married.
My husband, children, and I moved to Alaska in my twenties and we had minimal contact with my father, but each attempt to get to know him was always uncomfortable or ended in disaster. Then came the time in my life for me to confront him about his leaving us. I had been in therapy for a year when my therapist and I finally got around to my abandonment and trust issues. I made an with appointment with my dad to meet at a local restaurant, and eventually got around to asking him the three questions my therapist and I had discussed. “Did you ever love me?” No answer. “Do you love me now?” No answer. “Can you ever find it in your heart to love or have a relationship with me in the future?” He answered my third question . . . “When you go to the edge of a cliff, you never look back!”
I had the answer to all three of my questions. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I needed to hear him say it. He had made a choice to leave all of us (in all respects) when I was six-years-old, including . . . any fatherly feelings or love he may have had for us when we were young. Strangely enough, I was able to accept his answer. His answer may have been crude and empty of emotion and feeling, but it was the truth. I could see it in his face. He believed what he was telling me.
Over the ensuing years, each one of the remaining five kids had to face the father demon, and realize the cold hard facts that our father simply had abandoned any feelings he may have had for us when he walked to the edge of that cliff. He had made a choice when he left us and no matter how we felt, we couldn’t force him to care about us.
So my question is this. A lot of us have had (or have) fathers who’ve abandoned, abused, or controlled us excessively in some manner or another. What is the solution for replacing the love and respect of an earth father or dad? Some of us look for male replacements in friends and in their mates, and some of us search for the ideal dad elsewhere. I am one that searched for the ideal dad and found him in the Heavenly Father. For me, a father/dad had to be a manly figure that loved me and accepted me unconditionally. A father who would never abandon me when I needed him, no matter what I said or did. He’d always forgive me my sins (sometimes over and over ’til I learned to handle life better) even when I failed to “get” the formula for life’s lessons. I found He always rewarded me with hope and faith when I did good deeds and when I knew I did well!
No, the Heavenly Father isn’t a replacement for anyone’s real earth dad/father, but having the blessing of an ideal Father to learn to respect and love again meant a lot to me. If you have an earth father who is lacking in their father skills of friendship and respect for you, remember there is an ideal guy upstairs, who’ll always listen to you. His ongoing love for you will never waver or falter. He’ll never abuse you . . . mentally, emotionally or physically. He’ll always be there for you when you need him, and will always stand by you no matter the trials and tribulation in your life. He listens to your every prayer and knows your needs before you even ask. And most importantly, He’ll never go to the edge of a cliff and not look back!